


I Have A Secret

by jigokunooji



Category: Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Eating Disorders, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-18 12:20:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28866900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jigokunooji/pseuds/jigokunooji
Summary: "Fine, if it'll make you feel better and get you off my back, I have an eating disorder. I feel sick every time I look in the mirror and just the thought of eating makes me want to die"-------------------In which Awsten has an eating disorder and is not exactly something he planned to admit
Kudos: 7





	I Have A Secret

Awsten has been keeping a secret, a secret that not even his bandmates know about, and he was fine with that. He didn't want anyone telling him what he's already been told a thousand times. It's not like it would help anyway, nobody saw him the way he saw himself. Awsten lifted up his shirt as he looked in the mirror, disappointed by what he was seeing. Why is nothing working? He thought to himself. There was a knock at the door, causing Awsten to quickly pull his shirt back down before whoever it was came in.

"Hey, you almost ready to go on stage?" Otto asks.

"Yeah, yeah, just go ahead, I'll be there soon," Awsten replies, not making eye contact.

"Okay well, you have two minutes. We don't want to start without you again," Otto shuts the door behind him and Awsten is alone again.

He felt bad for doing this every time, not going on stage until the very last minute, sometimes not showing up until later, forcing Geoff and Otto to start the show without him. He was just scared. He feared people noticing his weight and pointing it out. It got in the way of him being out in public. Awsten took one last look in the mirror before leaving the dressing room and making his way to the stage.

"Here's to another literal shit show," he mumbled to himself.

"When's the next show?" Awsten asks as he sits down on the couch of their tour bus.

"Tomorrow, why?"

"It is too late to cancel the show?"

"Why would we cancel the show? Is there something wrong?" Geoff asks with a concerned look.

"You know what, nevermind. I have been feeling a little bit off but I think I'll be fine."

"Are you coming down with anything? Next time we stop somewhere I can get something for you," Geoff offers.

"Just forget I said anything okay, I'll be fine," Awsten replies before going to hide in his bunk.

"Good going Awsten, you made yourself look suspicious," he said to himself. He sighed as he placed a pillow over his face. Why did his mind have to do this to him? He found it hard to believe all the compliments people gave him. He wishes he could see himself the way others saw him, but at the same time, he was scared to. What if the way people saw him was what he also saw in the mirror? His thoughts were interrupted by Geoff calling his name.

He pulled the curtain open and looked up at Geoff, "can I help you?"

"Harsh, but since you ask, yes you can actually. I need to talk to you."

"If it's about what I said earlier just forget about it."

Geoff crouches down so he was on Awsten's level, "I'm worried about you, you're....different."

"I don't notice anything different so I don't know why you're worried."

"Well, Otto and I notice it. You're always late to the shows or you show up late, you ask strange questions and then get defensive when we question it, you've been losing a lot of weight lately. In fact, I can't remember the last time I have seen you eat anything, it's concerning."

"I'm just tired, that's all, don't think too deep into it."

Geoff frowned at Awsten's response, "you and I both know that's not the reason you're acting this way. Just tell me what's going on, you know I don't judge."

"Why should I tell you anything when you're just going to tell everyone else? I think I'll pass," Awsten scoffs.

"If it's concerning enough then I think it's worth telling someone. I can't promise I'll keep it private if you're a danger to yourself, but I can promise that I will never judge you."

"Ugh, fine! If you really must know, I just been super depressed lately and don't have the motivation like I used to," Awsten lies, hoping it'll get Geoff off his back.

"I'm just worried about you, that's all. I know we're only bandmates, but you're also my friend. You don't have to deal with this alone."

"I rather deal with it alone. I hate pity and extra attention."

"Well, what if we did something to distract you for a bit? I can take you to your favorite restaurant."

Awsten mentally cursed himself for saying something. He didn't want to eat because of his fear, but he didn't want Geoff or anyone to know what was actually wrong so he agreed anyway.

\- Time Skip -

Once Waterparks arrived in the next state they all went off to do their own thing before the show started. Oto went shopping for clothes, their tour manager decided to stay on the bus, and Geoff and Awsten obviously went out to get food.

"It's been a while since we've been here," Geoff spoke, trying to fill the awkward silence.

"Yeah, it has."

"Are you tired?"

"Why?" Awsten gives a puzzled yet irritated look.

"I don't know, you just seem, quiet. I thought you might be tired."

"Sure, we'll go with that."

Geoff shakes his head and pulls into the parking lot of the restaurant and turns off the car. The two get out and head into the restaurant. Awsten can feel his stomach turn at the sight of food, that he wanted to change his mind but it was too late. A girl with short blonde hair, who Awsten assumed worked there judging by her nametag which read Lexi, greeted the two and it wasn't long before they were sat at a table.

"The waitress is really pretty," Awsten commented, trying to keep Geoff from asking him about food.

Geoff glanced over at Lexi, before looking back at the menu, "yeah, I guess so. What are-"

"Maybe I should ask her for her number," Awsten cut him off.

"What's gotten into you all of a sudden? You never used to be open about this stuff, or even made an attempt at asking a girl out before."

"There you go again questioning me. Do I question your life choices? I didn't think so."

Lexi comes back to their table, starting them off with a drink before taking their order. Geoff and Awsten order and Lexi leaves again to put their orders in.

"Can I ask you something? And I don't mean this to be offensive in any way."

"Should I be worried?" Awsten replies with a concerned look on his face.

"Do you have a problem with seeing yourself the way others see you?"

"What makes you say that?" Awsten could feel his face get red.

"I'm just curious. I haven't seen you eat in god knows how long and the first thing I see you eat after that long is a salad. I guess I'm just worried."

"It's nothing serious Geoff, really. Maybe I just want to stay in shape. That doesn't automatically mean something's going on."

Lexi came back with their food and set the plates along with their drinks down before leaving again.

"So you won't have any issue eating right?"

"Jesus christ Geoff, why do you keep insisting something's wrong? I will prove to you I can eat this entire thing so you can stop insisting I'm starving myself or whatever crap you're thinking."

"If you say so."

The two ate in silence, Geoff too afraid to say anything so he didn't set Awsten off again, and Awsten not caring to say anything. His mind kept telling him to leave, and how much of a bad idea this way. Every bite of his food that he took made him want to die. Why did he agree to this again? Geoff was still eating when Awsten finished so he excused himself to the bathroom and checked to make sure it was empty before going in a stall where he would throw everything back up. It made him feel better knowing he wouldn't be gaining any weight.

Awsten left the stall and looked in the mirror. His face was pale and sweaty, that he looked sick. He splashed cold water on his face and went back out to his table.

"Are you okay? You look a little pale."

"Really? I feel fine."

Geoff sighs and shakes his head, "nevermind, forget it, are you ready to go now?"

Awsten nodded, "did you pay already?"

"Yeah, I paid while you were in the bathroom."

"Okay, let's go then."

The walk back to the tour bus was just as awkward as at the restaurant, with neither of them saying much. Geoff felt guilty about pressuring Awsten to talk, only to make assumptions when he didn't, but he was only concerned about Awsten's behavior. It wasn't like him to get defensive and moody so quick. He knows Awsten said he's just been depressed lately, but he felt like something more was going on. Maybe he could have Otto get Awsten to open up since he ruined his chances.

Otto welcomed the two back after they made it back to the bus and Geoff gave him a look that didn't even need clear instructions to know what he meant. He followed Geoff to the back of the bus and made sure Awsten wasn't around before Geoff spoke.

"I need you to do me a favor because I'm really worried about Awsten."  
"Did something happen at the restaurant?"

"You know how I mentioned that I haven't seen him eat in weeks? Well, when I took him to his favorite restaurant he only ordered a salad, and then when he was finished he went to use the bathroom but came back looking very pale. It had me worried but when I expressed that, he got very defensive and kept insisting nothing was wrong. Do you think you could talk to him or something to get him to open up?"

"I'll try my best. I don't know how far I'll get though if he tends to get that way."

"Thank you so much, I owe you one," Geoff kissed Otto on the cheek and walked away, leaving Otto to figure out what was wrong. He approached Awsten with caution, hoping he wasn't in a bad mood still, and just hoped the conversation went well.

"Hey Aws, how was the restaraunt?"

"It was fine," Awsten replied, only half paying attention.

"What did you get? The last time I was there I got a Reuben sandwich and it was really good. You should try it next time."

"I just got a salad, wasn't really that hungry."

Otto nodded his head, seeing that the conversation wasn't really going anyway, but he wasn't giving up," It's okay, I feel that way sometimes too. I-"

"Why are you so talkative all of a sudden? Are you trying to get information out of me or something?"

"Well, you saying that implies there's information to get out of you, but no. I just know you like that restaurant so I wanted to hear all about it," Otto defends.

"So you're trying to tell me that Geoff didn't just ask you to figure out "what was wrong" and try to get a confession out of me?"

"I- I never said anything about a confession or information, but if there is something you want to talk about, I'm all ears."

Awsten sarcastically laughs, "you guys must think I'm fucking stupid or something. Fine, if it'll make you feel better and get you off my back, I have an eating disorder. I feel sick every time I look in the mirror and just the thought of eating makes me want to die. I starve myself until I'm forced to eat, and even when I do eat, I throw it all back up because I hate myself. It's the reason I hide in sweatshirts all the time because I don't want the next article about me to say "Awsten Knight from Waterparks lets himself go." and I don't want to gain weight and hate myself even more."

"But Awsten you're fi-"

"I'm fine?" Awsten laughs again, " you guys don't get it and you never will. It doesn't matter how many times a day you say I look good or I'm not fat because whenever I look in that mirror, it all tells me otherwise. I don't see myself the way others see me, if that's even the case, or if everyone's just trying to be nice. No matter how much I starve myself all I see every time I look in that mirror is a lack of progress. No weight is being lost and it's upsetting."

Geoff walks in after hearing a lot of commotion but the two were too deep in their conversation to notice.

"Nobody is lying to you Awsten, you're not fat. Even if you were it wouldn't matter. You're still going to be the same goofy Awsten I've always known. Your weight doesn't matter and I know a lot of fans can back me up when I say that."

"I agree with Otto," Geoff cut in, "I know I wasn't here for half the conversation so I don't know what's going on, but your weight doesn't matter, at least it shouldn't. You're fine just the way you are whether you're fat or skinny. Somebody out there will love you for who you are," he reassures.

"You guys still don't get it but I'm not going to continue explaining so let's just drop the subject and pretend we never had the conversation."

"We're trying to understand but all you do is get defensive and snap on us. We only want to help ."

"There's no point Geoff. Even if I try to explain I'm still going to be told I'm not fat which is what I don't want to hear. Just face it, it's useless."

"There has to be a way," Otto spoke up, "if that's not what you want to hear then I'll try and help another way."

"Look, I'm sorry for snapping on you guys a lot. Especially since none of this is your fault, but I think I rather just deal with this on my own. If losing weight will make me feel better about myself then just leave it be."

"Awsten no, because this is not going to stop. You're never going to see the weight you're losing and it's going to get to a point where it kills you. You need to get help, professional help," Geoff states.

"Fine, fine, whatever will make you happy I guess because fuck what I want right?"

"So you want to die? Is that what you want? To break everyone's heart by having us watch you slowly kill yourself until you're gone?"

"I want to be good enough for once! And if I die in the end then so be it!" Awsten shouts before walking off.

Otto shakes his head, "we need to get him help before it's too late."

"Don't worry, I won't let it get that far," Geoff replies.


End file.
